By Shyam Bhatia
London. It was a quiet day in Kerala. Coconuts swayed. Elephants napped. Tea was brewing.
Then — boom — a £88 million stealth fighter jet sliced through the monsoon clouds like it was late for a yoga retreat.
Out of the heavens came His Majesty’s F-35B Lightning II, part of the Royal Navy’s HMS Prince of Wales carrier strike group, making an unscheduled (and very expensive) pitstop at Thiruvananthapuram International Airport. Locals simply call it TVM. Now it stands for Temporarily Visiting Monarch.
The warplane had been conducting joint drills with the Indian Navy over the Indian Ocean when it ran into bad weather. Some say the pilot muttered “Oh bugger” before requesting an emergency landing. Others claim he was just tired of the aircraft carrier menu and fancied some sambar, a spicy south Indian delicacy.
The jet touched down like a true British gentleman: quietly, dramatically, and slightly confused.
The Kerala ground crew blinked. Then they called their supervisor. Then they took selfies.
Soon after, the aircraft developed what the Royal Navy called a “hydraulic snag.” Translation: “I’m not moving until someone brings me engineers, (holy) coconut water, and maybe a monsoon massage.”
Attempts to move the jet failed. The Royal Navy reportedly rejected Air India’s offer to house the aircraft in a hangar, citing concerns about “unwanted access” to the jet’s stealth tech — a polite way of saying: “We don’t want Uncle Ramesh poking around the radar array.”
So the £88 million warbird remained parked in an isolated bay under monsoon clouds, guarded — rather valiantly — by Indian soldiers in high-visibility jackets, cradling vintage rifles.
Think Top Gun: Local Edition.
Two weeks into this impromptu royal layover, Kerala’s tourism board struck. With coconut-scented precision, they released a cartoon of the jet basking among palm trees, alongside a glowing five-star “review” allegedly from the UK F-35B itself:
“Kerala is such an amazing place, I don’t want to leave.’’
Their appropriate caption?
“Kerala: the destination you’ll never want to leave.”
Subtle. Savage. Sweet.
Social media exploded. One user suggested giving the jet Indian citizenship. Another proposed putting the cartoon on a London bus. A third wondered if the pilot — rumoured to be watching Bigg Boss Malayalam — might be contemplating an arranged marriage in Munnar. A new life as Nigel Kutty, perhaps.
Meanwhile, defence officials in London quietly removed all flight tracking data from public platforms as they reportedly choked on their morning tea due to the massive social media interest.
According to Tweets and Instagram posts, Kerala airport authorities were rumoured to be charging parking fees. After all, even the King’s jet can’t escape any bureaucracy — or a good invoice. But then, airport charges are normal.
India offered logistical support. The British responded by dispatching engineering teams with “specialist equipment” — presumably including a giant spanner, an Allen key, and an apology letter.
Nonetheless, as of July 6, the F-35B remains grounded, sulking gently, and reconsidering its life choices. The British High Commission announced in a press statement that a team of 24 personnel arrived July 6 on a Royal Air Force Airbus 400 M, and immediately took charge of the aircraft and moved it to an MRO (Maintenance, Repair and Overhaul) facility at the airport.
Those magnificent Men for the Adamant Flying Machine include 14 Technical Experts and 10 Crew members, according to a British High Commission press statement. “The visiting team will assess the condition of the stranded jet to determine whether it can be repaired locally, or needs to be dismantled and transported back to the United Kingdom.
If it has to be taken back, its wings will have to be dismantled, quite a tedious job, and a Royal Air Force Boeing C 17 Globemaster would need to be summoned. The F 35 is an extremely sophisticated and formidable aircraft, build by Lockheed Martin. It’s light, powerful, made of composites, can carry precision attack weapons. The B variant is made for aircraft carriers.
Lockheed Martin engineers were also expected to arrive to coordinate with the British team
The F 35 is the best flying machine after the F 22, also built by Lockheed Martin.
Moral of the Story:
- Don’t mess with Kerala’s monsoon.
- Always carry extra hydraulic fluid.
- And if you’re the Royal Navy, prepare for the possibility that your stealth jet may become the most beloved tourist attraction in India.
